January 19, 2016
Found shuddering in an alley way in Toronto, potential Conservative Party of Canada leader nominee, Kevin O’Leary cried that “it’s gone on too far.”
“This persona of keeping assholes in check through my character of a completely emotionally vapid dingus is too much. Every day I hear replays of the things I’ve said and I can’t take it anymore”, O’Leary cried while he handed a homeless man a Tim Horton’s gift card loaded with $250 CAD (approximately $14 USD).
“When they hired me originally to basically be the “bad cop”, I thought ‘well hey, this ain’t so bad, think of all the good it will do when I’m so obviously and feverishly despised‘” he said while looking at the sky with a day-dream like expression. “But somehow, people didn’t just universally hate me. Some people liked me and agreed with me. And it became a money-maker, my bullshit financial advice and commentary. They wouldn’t let me stop, they wouldn’t let me stop…”
O’Leary’s expression gave way to pain and sadness.
“Did you hear what I said about the 1%’s wealth equaling the collective wealth of the poorest 3.5 BILLION? Did you even hear it?” he whimpered while cameras looked on. “I said it was”, pausing a moment to vomit a little in his mouth, “inspiring”.
O’Leary edged towards a man wearing hardly enough clothing for such a cold winter day and removed his own faux-down filled parka, covering the poor man with it. A single tear rolled down his big, round, red cheek as he could be heard muttering, “I can afford another, I can afford another”.
“I never asked for any of this,” O’Leary said to wide-eyed, dumb-struck, flabbergasted reporters. “I just wanted to be a regular guy with a regular functioning range of emotions, and now here I am – Canada’s Donald Trump.”
“Some people have to be employees,” he cried suddenly, before collapsing into a puddle of embarrassment and regret on the street.
At time of print, ambulances were seen hurrying to the scene.