In a time where obesity and greed are being heavily combatted from a younger and younger age, Halloween was a dismal failure again this year.
On average, over-eager halloween participants received 10 trick-or-treaters this year, by all accounts an absolutely pitiful turnout.
One local resident, riddled with so much disappointment from the previous year that she was “forced to do whatever it takes to get trick-or-treaters”, put up signage around the neighbourhood that was designed to be enticing to children or parents who had basic reading skills.Miley, age 24, received an absolutely appalling four trick-or-treaters this year.
“It’s as if they don’t know why they’re in costume. It’s like they don’t even know the historical origins of this holiday. Do they know it’s Halloween?” she cried, while breaking into a Halloween-themed version of Band Aid’s popular 1984 classic.
Local lawyer, Tom “The Bomb” Dooley, admitted that he now prefers to leave home during trick-or-treating hours because “honestly I just can’t stand the let-down anymore. Every year I buy all the best treats – king sized bars, tins of Pepsi, I’ve even thrown my business cards in kids’ bags where there are signs of impending divorce on the child’s face – and the numbers have gotten smaller each year. So now I just leave and when I come back I imagine there were all kinds of kids at the door – and they’re the ones who are disappointed. I recommend it. It’s sort of cathartic, in a way…”
Young, up-and-coming professional Michael Ryan consulted his also young, up-and-coming neighbourhood’s Facebook page in preparation for Saturday night. Upon reading he could expect anywhere from 200-300 trick or treaters, Ryan spent no less than $60.00 Canadian ($45.85 USD) to buy miniature chocolate bars for the hordes and hordes of children he was expecting.
“I got 30. 30. I got through 1/5th of the candy I bought because kids these days only take one at a time or some of them even say “no thank-you, we’re not allowed to eat processed sugar” and just leave”, Ryan said.
“I’m going to try and return these to Walmart”, he said gesturing to the hundreds of chocolate bars in bowls in his porch. “If they don’t take them I’m suing the neighbourhood association. And if that doesn’t work because there are no quantifiable damages then I’m going to start a class action against all of the children of Halloween for ruining my Halloween again this year”.
When asked whether he had a lawyer, Ryan said “I heard The Bomb has quit family law for a career in the fast lane as a class actions lawyer, so I think there shouldn’t be any problem with representation.”
When aked whether Ryan had a viable cause of action against the children of Halloween, The Bomb answered in the negative.
“However, suing the parents of the children of Halloween is where the real money’s at. Emotional distress is all the rage at the courts these days, and consistent disappointing behaviour that leads to chronic disappointment, maybe even adult obesity when all those disappointed adults eat their pain, sadness and disappointment away with hundreds of infant-sized chocolate bars… Listen, we’re talking about a real winner of a case here.”
At time of press, the parents of the children of Halloween could be found feeling pleased with themselves at book club where they were already planning their assault on Christmas.